Monday, April 15, 2002
HERE IS THE DEAL WITH PAUL---
We got some new problems forming.....oh great~!
Things have been going SO well and I hate to say that we are facing some new dilemmas, but it is time to stop pretending like they aren't there....
Here is my story....
Mariah is moving to NYC by June 1st.
1) Because of this, Paul and Mariah have been spending a GREAT deal of time together. So much time in fact, that visits and phone calls to me have been kind of cast aside.
2) When Mariah moves here, Paul has told me that he will be visiting me and Mariah at the same time. Which means...he will spend one night with Me and one night with Mariah.
3) When I call to talk to Paul, it is Mariah this and Mariah that.....he is concerned about his time with her and wants to spend every last waking moment with her before she moves. :(
SO...here I sit. Dealing with these specific issues.
Now look...I love Paul. I love him so much it makes my heart explode with feelings of insecurity, he makes me sad, angry, and happy all at the same time. And usually all for the same reason.
(BTW...one of my boss's who doesn't drink, just walked in and was like: "Who had a drink at work today...I smell it."
UM! It was so me. But I lied...and now I chew gum for the rest of the shift)
So Paul...uggles. Here is my deal! Paul and I have been living long distance for about a year and a half now. I have been literally begging him to move since I moved and every time he just says simply: "No."
Now...see my point...I see Paul about once a month; if that...sometimes its more, but usually its less. I have been lucky over the last couple of months with frequent visits, both on his part and on mine. But it has never been enough...and by far...it has never been too much. If Mariah moves here...and Paul plans to visit both she and I during the same visit, that means one night for her and one night for me. NO FUCKING WAY!
I am not about to let my visits with Paul go to one day a month. It actually makes me really angry to think that I would have to sacrifice one of my two days in order for him to see her too. It's not fair. And by any means...it is NOT a relationship. The biggest problem I have had with Paul, since I moved to NYC, is that we don't get enough time together. He has never been one for the phone, so that kills any sort of phone relationship. He refuses to talk over the phone and really...the only honest words he says are when he and I are face to face.
He is breaking my heart. I am trying so hard to have a relationship with him, but now he is limiting it once again!
I want him to be best friends with Mariah. I want so badly for him to have a person that he can go to to discuss his frustrations, anger, everything. Mariah being this person is PERFECT because she is a good friend of mine as well and has the best, NEUTRAL perspective, on his and my relationship. She understands BOTH sides and can honestly give real advice.
HOWEVER...I can not and will not tolerate seeing him half the time I see him now.
Ok...stop!
I am not going to sit here and act like I am a hard ass; that I will break up with him if I don't have it my way. But it hurts. A lot. To think that he would even think this is normal to come and visit me and to spend half the time with her and not all the time with me. I get so few hours with him as it is. I never wanted a boyfriend that was long distance. NEVER. But unfortunately we don't get to plan these things. If you fall in love...you fall in love. :(
I am not going to break up with him. It is the farthest thing from my mind.
But I will be honest when I say that it hurts. A lot. To know that I am going to suffer more in this relationship when Mariah moves. If anything, I thought I would benefit from her moving, cuz then maybe he would too!
I thought wrong.
Paul is obsessed with Mariah. I can accept that. I am obsessed with my girls too. I do not sit on the phone and discuss them to the point of nausea like he does, but I do understand what it is like to feel an attachment to one of your girls. I live this every day...and not to one girl...to like 7.
I am sad about this. Is Paul really going to visit me once a month...spend one night with me and one night with Mariah?
IF this is the case, he will spend both nights with Mariah. I am sorry sweetheart...but this is killing me. I am not going to compete with my friend for my boyfriend. Not going to do it. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER going to do it.
One of the hardest things about this whole situation is that I want to make SURE that I don't give Mariah any shit for this. It is SO not her fault. It is no one's FAULT. It is horrible circumstances.
The only solution I can think of to this problem is for him to move here. How else can we fix this? I can't justifiably say to him: "Visit me and only me", but I can't stand the thought that my visits get cut in half because she is moving here.
(HUGE SIGH)
I know this entry is jumbled. I am a little drunk at work and not making full sense. I also know that I am not being fully honest, cuz I know that there are other eyes reading this. Mariah is one of my best friends...I love you baby.
But I don't know what to do about this....
Quite a dilemma.
We got some new problems forming.....oh great~!
Things have been going SO well and I hate to say that we are facing some new dilemmas, but it is time to stop pretending like they aren't there....
Here is my story....
Mariah is moving to NYC by June 1st.
1) Because of this, Paul and Mariah have been spending a GREAT deal of time together. So much time in fact, that visits and phone calls to me have been kind of cast aside.
2) When Mariah moves here, Paul has told me that he will be visiting me and Mariah at the same time. Which means...he will spend one night with Me and one night with Mariah.
3) When I call to talk to Paul, it is Mariah this and Mariah that.....he is concerned about his time with her and wants to spend every last waking moment with her before she moves. :(
SO...here I sit. Dealing with these specific issues.
Now look...I love Paul. I love him so much it makes my heart explode with feelings of insecurity, he makes me sad, angry, and happy all at the same time. And usually all for the same reason.
(BTW...one of my boss's who doesn't drink, just walked in and was like: "Who had a drink at work today...I smell it."
UM! It was so me. But I lied...and now I chew gum for the rest of the shift)
So Paul...uggles. Here is my deal! Paul and I have been living long distance for about a year and a half now. I have been literally begging him to move since I moved and every time he just says simply: "No."
Now...see my point...I see Paul about once a month; if that...sometimes its more, but usually its less. I have been lucky over the last couple of months with frequent visits, both on his part and on mine. But it has never been enough...and by far...it has never been too much. If Mariah moves here...and Paul plans to visit both she and I during the same visit, that means one night for her and one night for me. NO FUCKING WAY!
I am not about to let my visits with Paul go to one day a month. It actually makes me really angry to think that I would have to sacrifice one of my two days in order for him to see her too. It's not fair. And by any means...it is NOT a relationship. The biggest problem I have had with Paul, since I moved to NYC, is that we don't get enough time together. He has never been one for the phone, so that kills any sort of phone relationship. He refuses to talk over the phone and really...the only honest words he says are when he and I are face to face.
He is breaking my heart. I am trying so hard to have a relationship with him, but now he is limiting it once again!
I want him to be best friends with Mariah. I want so badly for him to have a person that he can go to to discuss his frustrations, anger, everything. Mariah being this person is PERFECT because she is a good friend of mine as well and has the best, NEUTRAL perspective, on his and my relationship. She understands BOTH sides and can honestly give real advice.
HOWEVER...I can not and will not tolerate seeing him half the time I see him now.
Ok...stop!
I am not going to sit here and act like I am a hard ass; that I will break up with him if I don't have it my way. But it hurts. A lot. To think that he would even think this is normal to come and visit me and to spend half the time with her and not all the time with me. I get so few hours with him as it is. I never wanted a boyfriend that was long distance. NEVER. But unfortunately we don't get to plan these things. If you fall in love...you fall in love. :(
I am not going to break up with him. It is the farthest thing from my mind.
But I will be honest when I say that it hurts. A lot. To know that I am going to suffer more in this relationship when Mariah moves. If anything, I thought I would benefit from her moving, cuz then maybe he would too!
I thought wrong.
Paul is obsessed with Mariah. I can accept that. I am obsessed with my girls too. I do not sit on the phone and discuss them to the point of nausea like he does, but I do understand what it is like to feel an attachment to one of your girls. I live this every day...and not to one girl...to like 7.
I am sad about this. Is Paul really going to visit me once a month...spend one night with me and one night with Mariah?
IF this is the case, he will spend both nights with Mariah. I am sorry sweetheart...but this is killing me. I am not going to compete with my friend for my boyfriend. Not going to do it. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER going to do it.
One of the hardest things about this whole situation is that I want to make SURE that I don't give Mariah any shit for this. It is SO not her fault. It is no one's FAULT. It is horrible circumstances.
The only solution I can think of to this problem is for him to move here. How else can we fix this? I can't justifiably say to him: "Visit me and only me", but I can't stand the thought that my visits get cut in half because she is moving here.
(HUGE SIGH)
I know this entry is jumbled. I am a little drunk at work and not making full sense. I also know that I am not being fully honest, cuz I know that there are other eyes reading this. Mariah is one of my best friends...I love you baby.
But I don't know what to do about this....
Quite a dilemma.
